Pretender to Hope

Pretender to Hope

A Member shares

My name is Steve and I am an addict. I am a 43 year old man trying to make this last bout of sobriety stick for real this time. I have had my share of attempts to stay completely sober but with only limited success. It would appear that I dont know how to deal with emotions of any type. I have become a very reclusive person and a mean spirited one at that. So it was with great trepidation that I started this latest clean time. I know in my heart this time theres a difference. I say this because this time I realized that, as step one says "i admitted that my life had become unmanageable".

The thing is that I realized and said this without ever knowing what step one really was. I say this because every other time I tryed to stay clean I was a pretender. I never worked the program or used the rooms. This time all of this has changed thanks to a friend and an overwhelming desire to get back to who and what I really am. I also know that my soon to be ex will make an issue of this court when I file for visitation. So all things considered I need to now more than ever make this work. I am glad I have found this group because its whole layout and plan is awesome. I feel like I finally found a place online where I can belong. So heres to the site and hopes to get to know all of you in this thing we call sobriety.

Thanx for letting me share Stevie

A reply to Stevie's post:

Hello Stevie Ray and Welcome, or should I say Welcome back? Either way, you are most welcome. When we can "See Step one, before actually getting to it", as you put it, then I believe we are ready to take certain steps, or all twelve of them. I believe I was there, where you are now, when I finally came to AA at age 41. I had seen enough of the world, and really didn't want to see much more. My powerlessness and unmanagability was really not in question by me, at this point, and similar to you, I had not yet walked into the rooms of Recovery, so I had not even heard Step 1. In fact, so much of the debate had gone out of me.

My Wife had already left me, had given up on me, at least two years before that. My Military Career was the last to go, and it went also. They were the Powers That Be, in my life, and before they unleashed me into Society, they sent me to Treatment-thus AA. I did not believe anyone could do anything, much less me. But it turns out I was far more teachable than I thought.

I immediately identified with the first Sentence in the AA Book, where it said "We are more than 100 people who have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body". And then it went on to say, "To Show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book". And this gave me hope. I was indeed grateful Steve, that you expressed that you now have hope. I agree with Julie, that it would probably be better for you, if you went to Face To Face Meetings. You are probably ready now, and it probably won't take much time or convincing, to realize that you need to be around people who have a lot in common with you. This you will probably see, just as you saw where you were unmanageable, before actually seeing or understanding Step One.

You see, these 12 step programs are refferred to as "Programs Of Attraction", and "Not Promotion", and I believe the attraction comes or is helped along, by what we can see or experience before we get here. We don't arrive here by mistake. We belong here. I lived in a lonely place, a one bedroom dump. The window shades were drawn shut, there was no light. I did not want anyone to come in. And I did not go out. I did not want to show myself. I did not want others to see how bad it was. I did not want my own children to see me. I needed to come out of that.

If the Internet had been available to me in those days, I probably would have delayed coming out of that prison I had constructed for myself. I would have no doubt been more tempted to try and show something or someone else, other than who was actually behind those walls. It was a great thing for me that they sent me to treatment, where I had about 30 other classmates. There I could not Isolate. There I got the chance to actually see, sense and feel that there were others like me, or similar. I got the opportunity to open up a little, as others were doing. There I would actually believe at times that others had been reading my mail or something, because they seemed to know me or know about me, as they were actually talking about themselves. This too, told me I belonged, and that I should have been here doing this a long time ago. It told me I was not alone. And as I started doing AA, after treatment, these feelings of belonging, increased.
I may have felt differently had I just remained on the line to communicate, and could not actually see what I was getting or allow others to see me. So I hope you physically get out and get to some meetings. I would also encourage treatment. It did not hurt me, and "Jump Started" me. Welcome again. Hope to hear from you more and often.

Love Sincerely, W......