July 13 - Change

 I picked "Change" as a topic for today, because I guess I'm seeing a lot of it in my life. Things are changing in several
different parts of my life, some of it I like and some of it I don't. There’s change in my home life, change in my work life,
spiritual and in my life in the program


The dictionaries meaning of change is to exchange for or replace with another, to give a completely different form or
appearance to; transform, to go from one phase to another. Of course there are other definitions but for ME, change is
going from one level to another, or having things different than what they were.

In my lifetime, I have undergone many changes; in personality, spirituality, employment, relationships and much more. A
lot of these have had negative results and a few positive. The last 10 years, I WILL have to say, there have been more
positive than negative. Reason being, I got CLEAN AND SOBER!!!  Some of the changes in my life might have seemed
small, but when you put a lot of small changes together, you're able to be transformed into someone you never thought
you could be, at least that’s the way it was and is for ME, and I am the only one I can speak for.

To change, I had to WANT that change, want something different than what I’d been accustomed to, what I was sick and
tired of. My life seemed like it was coming to an end before I got clean and sober, and I’m sure it was close. I had lost
everything of value and then some. I had no pride, ambition, or self-respect left in my life. I had lost my wife, family, home
and all material things I had acquired in my life. I had hit the homeless shelter, and felt like a vagabond. I'm sure you've
heard the expression "I was "saved" when they locked me up". That's the way it was for me. Even though I had been in
and out of jails and prisons ALL of my adult life, the topping off the cake was in Oct. of 2000, when I was facing 5 years
(once again) in prison
My wife had called the cops on me because of not living up to the promises I had made to stay sober, promises I had
made many times in my life. I had to humble myself and beg for a program, even though my thoughts were still on beating
the system and the time duration of a lengthy prison sentence. Well it turned out that program was the road I needed to
travel and they kept me in long enough so that I had time to acquire the tools to help me make the changes, and change I
did.

Even though I knew I needed change, I didn't know how to go about it until I went thru the programs that were mandated
on me. I learned to be open minded, honest with myself, and WILLING to change, something new to me. I had to realize
that the things I had been doing, were not going to change, unless I changed the way I was doing them.

LIVING LIFE! That's what I had been doing wrong!! I didn't know HOW to live, without a drink or a drug in me. I had to
have that drink in the morning to kick start my day, and once that first went down, there were many to follow for the day,
not ending until late at night or until I passed out. I had to change my friends, my hangouts, what I did in my free time, and
my way of thinking. I went to meetings and made new friends, and that’s where I hung out the first couple of years. I did
the 12 steps as they were suggested and kept going to meetings. This was a BIG change for me.
As time went on, my desire to change from those old ways, got stronger and the forced changes I had made, were finally
becoming habits and normal for me. It wasn't easy at first, because those little voices inside my head kept telling to me to
go back out there. But the changes had affected my thinking and I remained clean and sober. Today, I’m looking forward
to some changes that may or may not happen in the next couple of weeks. If they do, I’ll be ready for them, and if they
don’t happen, then I’ll still be grateful for what I have. October 29 of this year will be 11 years for me without drinking or
using. Grateful and proud of whom I am today.