A lot of people don't enter their alcoholism or addictions until later in life due to different circumstances but for many of us it is there waiting to "attack" us. Here is a story posted by a member awhile back that might relate to folks in that category.
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The Years the Locust has Eaten
This phrase came from the other Big Book, Joel 2. What an apt description of the years lost in my life to alcohol.
I have some health issues, so am spending more time at home alone, which leads to thinking. Accepting the things I cannot change – and the past is the biggest block in my acceptance. The years lost to alcohol, the neglect of my children, the lost opportunities, the lost friends and lovers – all took the back seat to alcohol.
My alcoholic drinking came later in life, in my early 40s...however; the alcoholic mind was always there. Both my brothers are alcoholic, both my husbands were alcoholic – and I despised the weakness (in my mind it was weakness) that made them drink to the depths of the gutter. In my arrogance it never occurred to me that my life was going the same place, just at a slower pace.
It started with a glass of wine after work while preparing dinner. It advanced to more than 1 glass then to hard liquors. My nice little glass of wine soon became a 5th of cheap vodka. During the following 10 years the disease took over my life – the deception to hide my drinking, the lies to my family and friends, the missed days of work – the overwhelming sense of being out of control, without any personal value, a lost soul.
Because of the brothers and husbands, I knew about AA – I knew where to go. In my alcoholic arrogance, I thought going to a meeting and admitting to being an alcoholic would bring me relief, would cure my disease. It wasn’t that easy. A rehab program followed a year of trying to go to meetings and not drink. I stayed sober during the rehab, but drank again.
I kept going to meetings because it was the only hope in life for this hopeless alcoholic. One night, several months into this phase - I knew I was going to drink, because I had to go to the grocery store (where all the bottles were lined up waiting to jump into my cart). On my way to the store, I stopped at an Alano Club meeting. Seated next to me was a person who appeared to me as a dirty little man, unwashed, lumberjack shirt, dirty jeans, and glasses taped together with electrical tape. This was the reason (I felt) that I didn’t belong….I was clean, I was dressed decently, I still had a job and a roof over my head. But – I was going to drink. After the meeting we held hands and prayed – then this grubby little man who I had been looking down my nose at, leaned over and said “Betty, are you ok?”
Naturally, the first words out of my mouth were “Sure, I’m fine”….then I changed that to “No, I have to go the grocery store”. He said “Oh is that where you buy your liquor? Would you like me to go the store with you?” My glass shell shattered – he was willing to go out on a cold, rainy night and follow me around the grocery store just so I could go one more day without a drink. This was the fellowship they had been talking about…this was the principal that had kept me from sobriety, the not belonging, the barriers I kept between me and others. A big slap of humility hit me in the face. I didn’t drink that night and have not found it necessary to do so again in the 17 years that have followed.
Much of the wreckage of my past has been mended – much of it could not be. There is no way to reclaim my children’s young years although they have regained faith in me and love and respect me now. There is no way to find and make amends to the lost friends and lovers – lost somewhere in my moves made running from myself and alcohol. Through being a good employee, I was able to make amends to my employer for the times I was either not there or not ALL there. There is no way to recover the years the locust has eaten…but the sober years have been good.
I have been active in AA – a secretary, a treasurer, a sponsor. I have met my God and He has pulled me up out of the dark, muddy place my drinking had brought me to. There have been times I was able to help others struggling with sobriety. A useless, hopeless life has been changed to one full of purpose and love. What more could a good life provide?
Sharing my experience, strength and hope…..Betty
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